Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve, although it doesn't feel like it much to me. I am entering my 7th week of bed rest, so that means I am missing out on the holiday festivities that I've grown up with. Christmas Eve has always been bigger than Christmas Day for my family. My family gathers each year at my Aunt's house for Christmas Eve dinner. When I was younger, this was a huge Italian feast -- meatless of course, keeping with the good Italian-Catholic tradition of having fish on Christmas Eve. My Nana, Aunt and my Aunt's mother-in-law would all work all morning in the kitchen preparing a feast that included at least 2 different kinds of pasta (one with red sauce the other with bread crumbs and anchovies -- I didn't eat that one until I got older), calamari both breaded and in spaghetti sauce, 2 types of whitefish -- crappie and baccala (dried, salted cod). Accompanying the dinner are these huge, deep fried potato donuts called guididiad (who knows if that is spelled right), but they are totally saturated with grease and the yummiest thing you can eat with your Christmas Eve dinner. Then, for dessert there are scalidi (flour and egg yolk pastries that are deep fried and dipped in honey), bouna forte, and some other honey dipped pastry shaped into a ball that was made with wine (I can't remember the name of that one either).

After my Nana passed away in 1992, the tradition of Christmas Eve dinner remained constant for several more years, but eventually fewer people were coming to Christmas Eve and doing things with their immediate families -- so unfortunately, the tradition died down a bit. Some of the menu items changed (we now eat Italian Beef or sausage in addition to some of the fish), but there are still some of the old traditions that are still alive. The most unfortunate thing is that in 2005 I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease (a gluten intolerance) and I am no longer able to eat any of the food I mentioned above. Last year, I brought my own pasta and enjoyed the pasta sauce with "my" pasta -- but it really wasn't the same.

So, today rather than mourning all of the good food I am missing (since I can no longer eat it anyway), I do mourn the fact that I am unable to spend the holiday with my family. I unfortunately do not get to see my extended family very often, so I look forward to the opportunities that I do get to spend time with them. Two years ago, when Geoff and I were in the midst of our struggles to start a family (and just having found out a few months earlier that I had Celiac Disease) -- we ran away to Florida for Christmas, and missed the annual Christmas Eve festivities. I regret that move from time to time, since that Christmas was also my dad's last -- but we didn't want to face the family and be confronted with all of the "baby" questions. Last Christmas, my cousin was pregnant with her second daughter -- this was only a month after our miscarriage, so it was really hard for me to be there. This year, I looked so forward to being at Christmas Eve -- and finally be able to show off my proud "baby belly." Unfortunately, my body had another plan.

So, here I lay -- thinking about the family gathering that I am missing out on tonight, but rather than get depressed about it, I turn that into positive thoughts, as I look forward to next year's Christmas Eve, where we can proudly show off our two, sweet little girls.