Silly Dreams and Goals

I admit this not because I want a bundle of birthday greetings, but only to make a point for today's post. Today is my 35th birthday. This has been a day I have dreaded for some time now. I thought that turning 30 was going to be hard, and it was fairly uneventful. Turning 35 was something I feared... and you will soon understand why.

When Geoff and I started trying for a family I had one goal. It was a silly goal, I know -- but in my mind it was one that was important for me to achieve. I wanted to be done having children by age 35.

As a girl growing up, you dream about how your life will turn out. You have no concept of age -- all you know is that you want to achieve great things in life such as a wonderful husband and a family before you're "old." Old to a young girl is 25. Once you turn 25 you realize that 25 is nowhere near old. When I was 25 I was nowhere near being married much less ready to start a family, so I had to adjust my dream just a bit. Thirty -- that sounds good. I wanted to be married and have a family by the time I was 30.

I was married at 29 (so at least part of my goal was achieved -- I was married before I was 30), and at that time Geoff and I weren't ready to start trying to have a family. He decided to make a career change, quit his job as an engineer and returned to school to become a teacher. Our plans for children would have to wait, so again I had to rethink the age I had set my goal of motherhood for. Okay -- if not 30, then 35. Definitely by the time I'm 35 I will be a mother. After all -- thirty-five was deemed "advanced maternal age" -- which means by the time a woman reaches 35 it is supposedly harder for them to conceive and once they do conceive, they have a greater chance of having pregnancy complications or a baby born with birth defects. So, 35 was now my goal. I felt as if this age was my point of no return -- it was 35, it had to be 35. There was no way we were going to be the "old parents" like my parents were -- it seemed as if all of my friends had younger parents. My mom was 30 and my dad was 35 when I was born -- not old from my perspective now, but then it seemed to me back then that they were ready for the retirement home.

When we first started trying I was 32 -- plenty of time to reach my goal. Heck -- I could even have two kids by the time I was 35 (or shortly thereafter). So, I changed my goal a bit. I wanted to be done having children by the time I was 35. It seemed reasonable, right? Wrong. Little did we know that having children would not come easy for us. Little did we know that we would have resort to IVF to have a child. Little did we know that IVF was not a magic bullet that would instantly make me pregnant -- although when we first started the process, I think we assumed it would be easy. It wasn't.

Last year I turned 34, and had two failed IVF cycles under my belt. We were starting to get distraught. I knew it wasn't possible to be done having children by my next birthday, but it was still possible to have one by then. We were set up for another cycle to begin in late March, early April -- if it worked, I would have a child before I turned 35! It had to work -- it was fate. My goal would be achieved. I was so positive it was going to work -- I did everything I was supposed to do. I read "The Secret" and thought only positive thoughts, I envisioned myself holding a 3-month old baby on my 35th birthday. It seemed so real, I could reach out and touch it. When we got our negative pregnancy test in mid-April -- I was devastated to say the least. There was no way now that I could reach my goal of motherhood by age 35. They would make us wait a whole cycle before allowing me to start another fresh cycle. The timing would never work.

People around me finally convinced me that my goal was silly -- it was just another thing that caused me stress, and that I didn't need. I finally gave up my goal and was at peace with the fact that He would let it happen when it was time. I knew that one day Geoff and I would be parents, and I had to give up my goals and time lines and accept that age shouldn't be my guideline. I did and found out that the next cycle I was much more relaxed. The anxiety of achieving some silly goal was gone. And wouldn't you know it -- the next cycle worked! Times two!

When I found out that my due date was March 22, 2008 my first reaction was -- damn, I will be 35 when our baby is born. When we found out we were having twins that disappointment turned to excitement! I would never see 40 weeks with twins -- I will achieve my goal! Yeah -- I know, I said I gave up the goal, but once I realized that the goal was once again attainable -- it resurfaced. And not only would I be able to be a mom before I was 35, but quite possibly I could say that I was done having children by age 35 since we were having two -- and two children are what Geoff and I wanted. This was perfect!! My dream of motherhood by 35 was going to happen -- and it did. Our girls were born on February 5.

So, today as I end my 35th year and begin my 36th -- age to me is nothing more than a mere number. I have achieved everything I have wanted in life and I am happy; well more than happy -- I am content and loving everything about motherhood. I couldn't ask for a better birthday present than spending the day with my two beautiful daughters!