Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

I get the question a lot -- "how are you holding up?" I could go on in detail or give the quick answer -- "I'm doing fine" or "I'm hanging in there" -- which isn't far from the truth.

From an emotional standpoint, I really do think I'm doing a lot better -- especially now that the girls have reached a safer gestational age; six weeks ago I was doing a lot worse. I do still keep myself up at night thinking about things... I make lists in my mind about things that need to be done, I wonder if I will know what a real contraction will feel like, I wonder when/if my water will break, and if I will still have a job at the end of this...

I wish I could stop my mind from wandering and racing at night -- but it is so hard. The lists I make in my head are of course baby preparation-related. Right now our bedroom is a disaster because it is where I "live" -- but at some point, miraculously we have to get all of the bed rest crap out and get bassinets set up because we are going to have them sleep in our room for the first couple of months. If you could see how our room looks now, you would understand why I worry about this... I also make lists of other things we need to do to "prepare" for the arrival of our girls -- things like buy car seats and get them installed properly, buy baby supplies for feeding and finding somewhere to store all of that stuff in the kitchen, clean the carpet in the soon to be nursery. The lists can go on forever.

Then, I think about contractions because I have been getting braxton hicks contractions since about 16 weeks. A few weeks ago I started getting these weird "bladder squeezing" feelings. I talked to my doctor about them and he said those too were contractions. I have been monitoring them and they come randomly at rate of about 2-3 per hour in the evening and night -- and rarely do I feel them during the day. If I didn't know that those were contractions, will I know when the real thing comes? Then I worry about the whole monitoring thing -- I think I need a stop watch or something, because I am soooo bad at keeping track of stuff like that.

The water breaking is something I have worried about since being in the hospital. Every time I feel any amount of wetness, I run to the bathroom. So far, nothing but the usual "stuff" is there but I worry about leakage and wonder if I will know the difference between what is normal cervical secretions and leaking amniotic fluid. I convince myself that if I spring a leak -- I will probably feel a lot more wetness.

Then there is my job -- which is a whole novel in itself. But the short story is that my job protected leave expires at the end of this month, and it is likely that I will still be pregnant at that time. I had anticipated using my 12 weeks to bond with our girls -- now I have to talk to my VP about whether or not they will hold my job, and if so -- how much time can I bargain for once the girls are born. If I have a c-section, I will need at least 8 weeks for recovery -- so I'm thinking that might be the most I will get -- if I ven have a job to go back to...

of the things that keep me up at night -- I'm doing okay. I think I will be doing much better if I could get a little reprieve from being in bed -- maybe get the green light to be active for 2-4 hours a day, so I can start taking an active role in getting ready. I know what my main objective is and I accept that -- but it is hard being on the sidelines.