You Never Forget Where You Came From

They say you never forget your roots -- I say that often when I recall where I started my career in the trenches of food service management. Cleaning fryers, scrubbing floors, cleaning drains, doing dishes -- one look at my dry, scarred hands and it isn't too hard to forget where I got my start. The same goes for achieving pregnancy after infertility -- you never forget where you came from.

Over the past 3 years, Geoff and I have endured many hard days battling against the lows of infertility. It began with the first realization that we would most likely not be able to conceive a child without assistance from some sort of medical intervention. I remember reading a magazine article about ART (assisted reproductive technology) shortly after that realization and being extremely confused by all of the acronyms -- IVF, GIFT, ZIFT, IUI, FET, ICSI -- it was like reading a foreign language. I was so overwhelmed by it all and couldn't fathom having to resort to conceiving a child in a laboratory.

After our first consultation with our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in early August 2006 I needed to find a community where I felt I belonged. Sure, I could talk to my FF's about my IVF experiences, but they would not completely understand. I needed support from women who were experiencing the same things as I was. I found an on-line community on Baby Center that was made up of women who were preparing for their upcoming IVF cycles. This "thread" contained about 15-20 women all at various stages of starting the IVF process. At first, it was a bit strange -- they seemed to speak a language I didn't understand yet. As I continued to post, I felt more comfortable -- both with them and the IVF process as a whole. Soon, many of the girls had their ET's (embryo transfers) and entered into the dreaded 2ww (2 week wait) to find out if their cycle was a success. Soon came the happy news -- many of the girls actually got their BFP's (big fat positives) -- they were pregnant. It gave me hope...

Soon, one by one the majority of the girls on this thread became pregnant -- I did too. I finally felt like I was "in the club." Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last as we found out when I was 6 weeks pregnant that our dream did not actually come true, and the pregnancy was not viable. I had now joined the miscarriage club -- not a happy club to be part of, but I knew we would try again and amidst my grief, felt confident that IVF was going to work for us... someday. Soon after I miscarried, unfortunately, another girl (A) on the thread did too -- I felt a connection with her and began an email friendship with her. Together, we consoled our grief and looked forward to our next steps. Soon there were only a handful of us (five out of original 15-20 I believe) who had not yet achieved a viable pregnancy, and one of those women (L) who had endured 3 failed cycles joined me and A in our email community. The three of us had to escape the discussions of buying cribs, picking out nursery themes and planning baby showers. We felt left out of our own community and found new friendship and support in our new one -- the Three Musketeers stuck together and soon, we hoped, we all would be pregnant.

Each of us endured more failures -- we did one FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and another full fresh IVF cycle and both resulted in BFN's (big fat negatives) before finally having success with our 4th attempt (3rd fresh cycle). After her miscarriage, A did an FET which resulted in a BFN and 2 more fresh cycles with PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) that resulted in having no embryos left to transfer -- she is now looking into embryo adoption. L did a total of four cycles -- all resulted in BFN's. She was moving to a new RE for round #5 when he suggested she go for a uterine biopsy, which showed that her uterus lacks the beta-3 integrins needed to make implantation possible. She is going to receive treatment for 3 months with depot Lupron to see if that helps her uterus develop the integrins necessary to have a successful 5th attempt. Geoff and I appear to have beat the odds, but I can't help but feel guilty for leaving the Three Musketeers behind. I am happy to be pregnant, but feel guilty because I want my friends to find success too. Hearing of my friends' difficulties, I realized that I was experiencing pregnancy guilt.

I was reading another blog this morning http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ and ran across a post that defined the concept of pregnancy guilt, and it resonated in my mind -- it spoke to me because I knew exactly what she was writing about. According to her, pregnancy guilt is the overriding emotion one feels when she finally attains pregnancy but still remembers her sisters back in the trenches. It's the discomfort you feel when you wonder if you've lost your community. You are one of the infertiles, but now you're experiencing the thing that makes them...THEM. Where do you fall? Are you infertile? Are you fertile? Are you fertile but holding your breath for nine months while you stress, stress, stress and never get to experience a carefree pregnancy? Pregnancy guilt comes from remembering how you felt when you saw that big, pregnant belly at Starbucks when all you wanted was a five minute coffee break where you didn't think about infertility but had to endure constant reminders...

I can remember after we lost our first pregnancy -- everywhere we went, I felt as if I was surrounded by pregnant women. It would get ridiculous, the number of pregnant bellies I would count (and I did keep count -- just to pour salt in my wounds). I would walk down the aisles of Target and cry as I passed yet another blissfully pregnant woman. Then when things couldn't get any worse, I would get a call or an email (or hear from Geoff) that yet another one of our friends was expecting. It just becomes overwhelmingly depressing. But yet I didn't know their stories -- they too could have struggled with infertility, endured heartbreak. How could I judge? Now, being pregnant myself, I am extremely sensitive to those women who are still fighting for their chance to achieve their dream.

There are those lucky couples who turn to ART and get pregnant (and stay pregnant) after their first attempt. I may be stepping out of line when I say that their roads have not been as bumpy -- they never had to face fear that this seemingly easy solution, may not work for them. I am by no means discounting the pain that these couples may have had to endure to before they arrived at ART's doorstep, but you can tell them apart from those who face countless failed cycles and difficulties. Couples like this are less optimistic, more cynical, -- afraid to be too happy, excited or confident about an upcoming cycle. And if they do get good news, they are always waiting for the next shoe to drop. They can't think like fertile people and begin to buy nursery furniture or create a registry before the third trimester for fear that if something happens, they would have to sit and look at an empty room, an empty crib and be reminded of what almost was.

So, after this long, winded novel -- I think the point I've been trying to make is that just because I'm pregnant, does not mean I've forgotten how hard it was to get here and I will never forget all of the strong women whose unwavering support has helped me get to where I am today -- someday, I will return the favor to them...